Coming Out - Happy Pride Month!
I think it would suffice to say that my twenties have been a time of
great self-reflection and the time in my life (so far) that has
challenged me the most to find myself and get comfortable in my own
skin. The past few years have been spent figuring out what I love,
dislike, want to do, don't want to do, who i am, who i'm not and its
been exhausting yet exhilarating.
I've learned a lot about who I am and who I want to be. I'm moving further from who I used to be and into who I am now and the kind of person I want to carry with myself through the rest of my life. Ironically this move towards myself has also been a move away from society norms and standards. The more self reflection I do the more idiotic I find our societies standards and social norms to be and how much I begin to loathe the society I have been born in. I'm not sure if I'm an old soul or an indigo child but nothing about this reality makes sense to me and frankly I think most of it's stupid (and that's the best word I can think of to use). For instance, political boarders make zero sense to me. It's all one earth and one land. Why do we create imaginary lines that separate what's "ours" from what's "theirs" when there is no difference. I have stood at the end of the U.S. and stared into Mexico and I can promise you it is the same land...with the same animals..the same landscape...the same people, but I digress.
The point of this isn't to harp on how non-sensible "borders" are or how sad it is that everyone "hustles and grinds" their life away to make a meager living while miserable at over-worked jobs for their entire lives. Both of which I feel strongly about but during this lifetime that won't change so I will change instead. I don't know what I want to do with my life but I know for sure I do not want to work my whole life away and only have a glimpse of time and happiness to myself outside of a job. My van-life trip is a precursor to the rest of my life and how I want to live. Working a little, traveling a lot, doing anything, doing everything, and most importantly only doing thing that make me happy.
On my way to happiness and finding myself I stumbled upon a realization I had never thought about or known was a possibility for me. I was never one who was a fan of labels but I unintentionally stuck myself into a label because that's what society had told me growing up was "normal" and is still normalized. Ironically, I guess I just moved myself from one label of "straight" to the label of "pan-sexual" but to me it still feels free-er. I don't feel tied down to liking boys and I don't feel tied down to liking girls, I can like who ever I want for them and not for their gender. Due to this freedom from "labels" I allowed myself to fall in love and find someone I could see my life with forever. Which is huge for me being terrified of commitment and love. The only thing stopping me from being completely comfortable is the fear of other people's thoughts and this is when I realized that I had been living for others and not living for myself. This has caused me to write off all those scared, fearful, and anxiety-ridden emotions and be brave and be happy with myself. I have been struggling for so long and unable to breathe but I am tired of holding my breath. This is the happiest and safest I have been in any relationship I have ever had and I can see it spanning far past the already year and half that it's been.
Telling people that your sexuality is anything different than straight is a very odd and uncomfortable experience because for some reason to brings their minds straight to the sexual part of a relationship and sins and that's not something I want my family or friends thinking about. Like me, I want people to focus on how happy I am and how good the relationship is. I don't want people thinking of it being a sin or unnatural or weird or confusing. I just want people to accept it merely for the fact that I am happy and that should be enough for anyone who cares for me. I know its unconventional and something a lot of people aren't a fan of but I know people are becoming more accepting and more loving. Hell, my entire generation is more open to their sexuality and almost all of my friends are somewhere on the spectrum of sexuality, including siblings and family members.
I guess this all was a convoluted way of coming out...in my own way. Being comfortable with myself to the point of being able to share this with others has proven to be difficult. It's been a very slow process in which I've only let a very few close people know. If you were wondering, pan-sexual means "Not limited in sexual choice with regard to biological sex, gender, or gender identity"
I've learned a lot about who I am and who I want to be. I'm moving further from who I used to be and into who I am now and the kind of person I want to carry with myself through the rest of my life. Ironically this move towards myself has also been a move away from society norms and standards. The more self reflection I do the more idiotic I find our societies standards and social norms to be and how much I begin to loathe the society I have been born in. I'm not sure if I'm an old soul or an indigo child but nothing about this reality makes sense to me and frankly I think most of it's stupid (and that's the best word I can think of to use). For instance, political boarders make zero sense to me. It's all one earth and one land. Why do we create imaginary lines that separate what's "ours" from what's "theirs" when there is no difference. I have stood at the end of the U.S. and stared into Mexico and I can promise you it is the same land...with the same animals..the same landscape...the same people, but I digress.
The point of this isn't to harp on how non-sensible "borders" are or how sad it is that everyone "hustles and grinds" their life away to make a meager living while miserable at over-worked jobs for their entire lives. Both of which I feel strongly about but during this lifetime that won't change so I will change instead. I don't know what I want to do with my life but I know for sure I do not want to work my whole life away and only have a glimpse of time and happiness to myself outside of a job. My van-life trip is a precursor to the rest of my life and how I want to live. Working a little, traveling a lot, doing anything, doing everything, and most importantly only doing thing that make me happy.
On my way to happiness and finding myself I stumbled upon a realization I had never thought about or known was a possibility for me. I was never one who was a fan of labels but I unintentionally stuck myself into a label because that's what society had told me growing up was "normal" and is still normalized. Ironically, I guess I just moved myself from one label of "straight" to the label of "pan-sexual" but to me it still feels free-er. I don't feel tied down to liking boys and I don't feel tied down to liking girls, I can like who ever I want for them and not for their gender. Due to this freedom from "labels" I allowed myself to fall in love and find someone I could see my life with forever. Which is huge for me being terrified of commitment and love. The only thing stopping me from being completely comfortable is the fear of other people's thoughts and this is when I realized that I had been living for others and not living for myself. This has caused me to write off all those scared, fearful, and anxiety-ridden emotions and be brave and be happy with myself. I have been struggling for so long and unable to breathe but I am tired of holding my breath. This is the happiest and safest I have been in any relationship I have ever had and I can see it spanning far past the already year and half that it's been.
Telling people that your sexuality is anything different than straight is a very odd and uncomfortable experience because for some reason to brings their minds straight to the sexual part of a relationship and sins and that's not something I want my family or friends thinking about. Like me, I want people to focus on how happy I am and how good the relationship is. I don't want people thinking of it being a sin or unnatural or weird or confusing. I just want people to accept it merely for the fact that I am happy and that should be enough for anyone who cares for me. I know its unconventional and something a lot of people aren't a fan of but I know people are becoming more accepting and more loving. Hell, my entire generation is more open to their sexuality and almost all of my friends are somewhere on the spectrum of sexuality, including siblings and family members.
I guess this all was a convoluted way of coming out...in my own way. Being comfortable with myself to the point of being able to share this with others has proven to be difficult. It's been a very slow process in which I've only let a very few close people know. If you were wondering, pan-sexual means "Not limited in sexual choice with regard to biological sex, gender, or gender identity"
